{"id":18,"date":"2010-12-27T23:05:02","date_gmt":"2010-12-28T05:05:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/?p=18"},"modified":"2011-09-16T21:31:53","modified_gmt":"2011-09-17T03:31:53","slug":"dear-drunk-man-in-27e","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/?p=18","title":{"rendered":"Dear Drunk Man in 27E"},"content":{"rendered":"

originally written 10\/2010
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

I have a quirk when choosing my seat assignments on planes.\u00a0 I know, I know, you’re thinking, “What?!?\u00a0 She has a quirk<\/em><\/strong>?\u00a0 GASP!” Well, it’s true.\u00a0 I like to have the same seat there and back.\u00a0 Now, I’m not totally freaky about it, but if I choose seat 16C on the first flight, I immediately look for 16C on the second flight and if it’s available, that’s it, no thinking about it.<\/p>\n

Which is why I was in seat 27D from Springfield to Clearwater this afternoon.\u00a0 Which is how I got to spend 2 hours with the Drunk Man in 27E.<\/p>\n

The flight attendant announced early on that it was a full flight, so I was a little surprised that both seats next to me were still vacant when it seemed that all the boarding had completed.\u00a0 I was beginning to fantasize about putting my laptop bag next to me in the cushion of emptiness during the flight instead of the inevitable wrangling from its take off position of COMPLETELY under the seat in front of me.<\/p>\n

There was only a little disappointment when I saw more people coming through the door.\u00a0 4 people, but I knew instantly which one was sitting next to me.\u00a0 I was immediately taken with the Tony Stewart \/ Home Depot winter coat.\u00a0 Not that I’m not a fan, or that my husband wouldn’t be giddy over a Tony Stewart coat, mind you.\u00a0 I’m no Nascar snob.\u00a0 It’s just that, well, the weather in Springfield is pretty warm, and we’re flying to F-L-O-R-I-D-A.\u00a0 A winter coat?\u00a0 Really?<\/p>\n

They’re the last on the plane, and the flight attendant offers to help stow their carry on duffle bags.\u00a0 27E politely says no, that he will keep his under the seat because he “don’t want no one stealin’ his stuff”.\u00a0 Why do I not have popcorn for these events?\u00a0 I rearrange the aforementioned laptop bag so he can get the duffle in sideways.\u00a0 No worries, I won’t be working on this flight…not with live entertainment of this caliber!<\/p>\n

During the baggage storage, I am made keenly aware that the guy smells like a brewery….and not a snazzy microbrewery.\u00a0 An old, downtown, broken-glass-in-the-parking lot brewery.\u00a0 Think Falstaff.<\/p>\n

We get the duffle satisfactorily secured.\u00a0 The flight attendant is trying to assess what she’s in for when 27E says “Ma’am?\u00a0 Do you have more of these airsick bags?\u00a0 I’ve never flown before and I think I’m going to throw up a lot.”\u00a0 Wouldn’t be the excess beer, would it, buddy?\u00a0 The look on the flight attendant’s face would have been enough to make me smile, but then, in my head, I hear my niece say (as only she can), “Seriously?\u00a0 That is hilarious!” and I giggle.\u00a0 Audibly.<\/p>\n

The flight attendant brings more air sick bags.\u00a0 While he never uses them, he has one clenched in his hand through the entire flight. She asks if he needs some water.\u00a0 He declines, but engages in some concerned questioning.<\/p>\n

“Ma’am, how old is this plane?”<\/p>\n

“How old is it?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, Ma’am.\u00a0 Is it an old plane?”<\/p>\n

“Well, no, I wouldn’t call it old.”<\/p>\n

“It’s not a new plane, though, huh?”<\/p>\n

His wife (who is 27F, btw) tells him the plane is fine, and one of the other late arrivals explains that the planes are checked for safety after every flight and there is nothing to worry about.<\/p>\n

As it turns out, the other couple is the wife’s parents, and they’re all going on vacation together.\u00a0 The wife’s parents are….not like him.\u00a0 At all.\u00a0 The father-in-law (actually, the step-father-in-law, I found out) looks like a casually cultured Ernest Hemingway type, and the mother-in-law seems to be somewhat of a trophy wife.\u00a0 Forgive the cliche, it’s not a judgment, just the easiest way to give an accurate picture.\u00a0 She’s too blonde, 20 years younger than Mr. Hemingway, manicured, bejeweled, and well dressed.\u00a0 Not a hint of Tony Stewart anywhere near her.\u00a0 They were last on the plane because 27E was so freaked out that he almost refused to board at the last minute.\u00a0 I’m starting to feel sorry for the guy.<\/p>\n

He asks his wife to please close the shade so he can’t see when we get up in the air.\u00a0 He puts 4 pieces of chewing gum in his mouth for take off to help his ears pop.\u00a0 He clenches the armrests during takeoff and chews that gum like it’s a contest.\u00a0 He seems a bit surprised that he’s still alive.<\/p>\n

After the announcement that it’s safe to use electronic devices, he digs into the duffle and retrieves a half empty bottle of Coke.\u00a0 Then he proceeds to pull a plastic flask from the front of his pants.\u00a0 I am incredulous.\u00a0 I don’t want to stare, but…c’mon!\u00a0 He interprets my gaze as wonder, and proudly explains that he used a plastic one so the metal detector wouldn’t catch it.\u00a0 He empties the flask into the Coke bottle before he puts it into the duffle.\u00a0 I’m glad he didn’t put it back down the front of his pants.<\/p>\n

It’s not long before it looks like he’s dozing, which is much better than vomiting.\u00a0 I reach up to turn my air nozzle off, and apparently startle him.\u00a0 I get a swift elbow to the right side of my chest, which would normally be protected by my right arm if I weren’t twisting the little air nozzle. He apologizes profusely, and explains that he “spooks easy” and always “wakes up swingin'”.\u00a0 Good info.\u00a0 Very good info.<\/p>\n

I am going to have a bruise.<\/p>\n

The captain announces that we’re going to land about 20 minutes ahead of schedule.\u00a0 27E asks 27F if the pilot will get in trouble for that.<\/p>\n

“What do you mean?”<\/p>\n

“If they get in early, it means they were speedin’, and I think they have a speed limit so Air Traffic Control can make sure they don’t run into each other.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know, I don’t think so.”<\/p>\n

“They’ve got to have a speed limit.\u00a0 I think that’s why Jimmy’s plane circled that time.\u00a0 Remember?\u00a0 When we went to get him and he was on time but said they had to circle cuz they couldn’t land?\u00a0 I don’t think they’re supposed to be early.”<\/p>\n

He asks 27F to open the window, and actually gasps when he sees the bay.\u00a0 He’s giddy.\u00a0 He says he’s never seen the ocean before.\u00a0 He can’t believe he’s going to be on a beach on the ocean.\u00a0 He’s smiling, not even thinking about the fact that we’re now in the dangerous part of air travel, the landing.\u00a0 He says, to himself I think more than to anyone else “I can’t believe that I’m gonna see the ocean, be on a beach, and ride in a airplane all in the same day.\u00a0 First time for all of ’em.”<\/p>\n

He’s drunk, and he smells….but I’m pretty impressed.\u00a0 He faced his fears….with a little liquor, but he faced them all the same.\u00a0 His wife seems relieved that it’s over.\u00a0 I can tell that she was prepared for much worse.<\/p>\n

As the agonizing wait for de-planing begins, 27E becomes as animated as a child waiting in line for the amusement park.\u00a0 “Are we gonna go right to the ocean, or are we gonna eat first?\u00a0 I wanna get to the ocean before it gets dark.\u00a0 There aren’t any gators in the ocean though, where are we gonna see gators?\u00a0 We won’t need any sunscreen if we go to the ocean right now because the sun’ll be down soon.\u00a0 Maybe we should just get some burgers from a drive through and take them to the beach.\u00a0 I’m gettin’ hungry, but I don’t want to get there after dark.\u00a0 I probably won’t swim tonight, I want to swim when it’s real sunny so I can see what’s in the water.”<\/p>\n

Thank you, Drunk Man in 27E.\u00a0 For the entertainment, for not vomiting, and for reminding me that staring down your demons is a pretty cool thing to do.\u00a0 I hope you enjoy the beach.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

originally written 10\/2010 I have a quirk when choosing my seat assignments on planes.\u00a0 I know, I know, you’re thinking, “What?!?\u00a0 She has a quirk?\u00a0 GASP!” Well, it’s true.\u00a0 I like to have the same seat there and back.\u00a0 Now, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions\/20"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.thekarmafarmer.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}